I didn’t realize that spending the week in New York at my dad’s house was going to be such a terrible idea. I’ve been here just over 24 hours and I’m already laying in bed in tears, wishing it was Saturday so that I could go home.
It’s not that the trip has been bad, because it hasn’t at all. Hanging out with my dad while I worked today was pretty great. I missed my dad quite a bit, and I really wish we lived closer together. It’s also been fantastic to see my dog again, because I miss him too. It wasn’t a very eventful day, but it certainly wasn’t a bad one.
Just being in NY, and especially on Long Island, reminds me of why I left in the first place. Why I spent my entire life wishing for a way out of here. Everyone always thought I was trying to run away from my problems because I wanted to leave NY, but I always knew it was what I needed in order to lead a happier life and be a happier person overall.
The difference in my mental and emotional state in the last 4 months is phenominally different. I’m happy to be where I am. I wake up every day with a smile. And because I’m happier, I’m able to finally have a healthy relationship with someone. I’m sure finding the right guy has a lot to do with it, but my mind not being a total clusterfuck doesn’t hurt either. He’s the first guy I see a future with, the first guy I want to do everything right with, and more importantly, the first guy I AM doing it right with.
I’ve only been back 24 hours and I feel the way I used to feel already. I flaked on tattoo plans for no reason, I’m more inhibited, I’m afraid to be myself. Sleeping in my old room doesn’t make me nostalgic, it makes me depressed. While it’s awesome to sleep in complete darkness, I’m realizing that living in a room with no windows was an even bigger part of my depression than I originally thought. It’s like I had seasonal depression all year long. Part of the reason I haven’t put curtains up in my apartment yet is because I don’t want to shut out the sunlight. Natural light does wonders for my mentality, even if it occasionally wakes me up a little earlier than I would like.
I stayed in tonight because that’s what I do when I’m NY Kelly. I flake out on plans. I second guess myself. I couldn’t bare to leave the house, despite the fact that it probably would have made me feel better. I’ve got plans with friends the next 2, hopefully 3 nights, and I’m really hoping that it helps drag me out of this funk a little.
Being here hasn’t been a total loss, though. It’s given me a chance to reflect on who I’ve become since moving to Philly. I’m still getting my life in order over there, but even still, I’m happier there than I ever was here. I’m the person I always knew I was. I’ve got more guts. I’m less afraid. I’m trying new things. And it grows more every day. Each day that passes, I change in some way for the better.
I needed this move. I knew it my entire life, and I’m proud of myself for doing it.
I guess I can deal with being a little homesick as an exchange for the assurance it’s given me that Philadelphia is where I want to be.
I’m pretty sure anyone who is reading this is already following me on Twitter or Facebook, where I always post about updates to my site - but just in case, I wanted to mention Cutest Date Ever.
Cutest Date Ever is a site I created that is dedicated to cute date ideas and kind gestures of love. It is meant to inspire and help people who are looking for unique ideas to do for or with their special someone.